Change of Plan

It's hard to believe Christmas is only 4 days away! I have to get my act in gear and wrap the presents!!! I've got most of them stored away across the street at my neighbour's place. I can't really even remember what I've got - I've been storing them and they've been building up since July.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. The girls make it so exciting - and the fact that they believe in Santa makes it even better. Brian's Uncle Roger and Aunt Christine are arriving on the 23rd with their kids - Dion, Jody and Nikki. It will be a nice Christmas with them here - and we got two turkeys this year (last year I couldn't get into the spirit and I think we ended up eating sandwiches for Christmas dinner!).

There has however, been a change in plan for the wedding. We have decided to postpone it. It was a most difficult decision but luckily it was a small wedding so it only took a few phone calls to let the guests know.

There are a few reasons for the postponement... the first being that I feel that we simply need more time. Brian was getting some cold feet (subconsciously) and we had a big fight over church. He said that he didn't want me taking the girls to church anymore. I felt like I was simply a glorified babysitter - I raise the girls through the week while he works long hours and on the weekends he rules the roost and we all have to adapt to having him home... which also means stopping what we enjoy doing and spending time at home while he watches T.V. Rubbish.

Going to church has been wonderful for the girls. He may not see it, but I do. I feel that it is my responsibility as the girls "mother figure" to introduce them to faith so that they can make an informed decision later in life. For now, church provides them with some security, stability, friendships and it feeds their wee souls. And it's precious "girl time". It's our bonding time. It would be a mistake to stop that. I stand strong in my conviction and I can't raise the girls without teaching them about God and faith. It's who I am. If he can't accept that, we have a problem.

But Brian and I are still very committed to one another and to sharing in the raising of the girls. We simply need more time to sort out these "glitches". Perhaps we'll find middle ground... or perhaps we'll just agree to disagree. But we are still butting heads over certain issues and I don't take marriage lightly. I could NOT walk down the aisle and say my vows if there are questions in my mind. I'd rather not marry.

The second issue is over Brian's parents and brother. They hate me. I wish it was as simple as that... but it's hate like nothing I've ever experienced in my life. Brian's mother was really nasty to me and even took out a trespass order on me so that I couldn't visit the girls when they lived on their farm! She made things as difficult for us as possible and physically attacked Brian on two occasions and left numerous drunken threatening messages on our phone. She just didn't want Brian to take the girls back. I was/am a HUGE threat to her. Brian's brother is just as scary - actually scarier. He threatened to financially back his parents to seek custody of the girls. He's threatened my life. Up until recently Brian's father has remained fairly neutral and relatively supportive of Brian trying to get back on his feet. But the other day he joined in the attack - leaving a threatening message on our telephone telling Brian that he wants the farm dog back that he gave him over 3 years ago (the dog was sold last year - Brian's dad didn't want him then). He claims that Brian owes them more money plus that dog... and he threatened that if Brian doesn't pay up, he'll come to collect. Brian is terrified of his father. He's intimidated by his mother and brother. They are really really scary people. I can't believe that people like that exist - but they do!! Brian has paid his mother every cent she ever "gave" him. She demanded payment when I became a fixture in his life. He paid - thinking it would get her off his back. But it hasn't... it just keeps adding up... and they keep demanding more. It's emotional blackmail and Brian keeps paying into it hoping that they'll leave him alone. I don't agree with it and I just can't support Brian's decision to continue paying them money that they find he owes them every six months or so. Enough is enough. I am NOT afraid of them. They are sad people.

Of course, it's all fueled by the fact that they no longer control Brian. His father left that message after they had tried to ring the girls on Natalya's birthday. We were out. They obviously couldn't understand that - and assumed that we were purposely not letting the girls speak to them. They were drunk. They have always told Brian that he's a loser and that he's going to mess up his girls... so subconsciously he believes it !! They are master manipulators and it's so sad for Brian and the girls who are the pawns. I'm the person they hate and they want to show how much they hate me by hurting Brian. It just makes everything that much harder for us.

But I am even more determined to be here for Brian and the girls. Honestly, I can't imagine what sort of life the girls would have if they were left in the care of their grandparents. Brian would get so lost, he'd just disappear one day. His parents wouldn't even care. They've already buried him.

Being a mother to these girls has given me a purpose. I always live by the anonymous quote that says, "In one hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drive or how much money you have. What will matter is the change you make in the life of a child."

So as you see, I've got my work cut out for me. I'm not looking for easy, I'm looking for personal fulfillment. I think the potential is here... just need more time to work out the logistics. Only time will tell whether wedding bells will ring.

A Sneak Peak...

It's a gorgeous day at the pod! Summer may actually be here - just in time for Christmas! The Pohutukawa tree across the street has started to bloom this week - we've been watching it intently for weeks trying to guess who would see the first red blooms. I did! So the tree will be in full bloom for Christmas - a true New Zealand Christmas tree right outside our window.

If it's possible to feel stress because I don't feel stressed - then that's exactly how I feel. The wedding is in just a little over three weeks away and I don't feel a pang of stress. Don't get me wrong, this is exactly what I was aiming for - but I'm surprised that I feel this way.

I thought I would share a few sneak peaks at some of the accessories that I'll be wearing for the wedding - since a few of you have asked... and none of you will be here anyway.

These are my shoes...

And my funky necklace...

And the coolest bathing suit I could ever find!!!! My sister Ann will especially love this. As most of you know - due to my cancer at age 10, I was left with a really long scar down the middle of my tummy. It's never really bothered me and I've always worn bikini's despite the scar. However, since I was young I've always dreamed of finding this exact bathing suit!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, I don't have the body I had when I was 21. I'm a bit softer in the middle (having a scar this long down the middle of your tummy doesn't help much with muscle tone)... but I still look pretty damn hot - for a 32 year old with two kids :-). This is the best find and I'm so excited about it. Not to mention the fact that it's a size XS!!! That's good for my ego.

So I'll wear this on our honeymoon. We're only planning to do some camping around the East Cape (very remote, mainly Maori populated, not many tourists, and very rugged). So perhaps not the best choice but I don't care. This suit would most certainly be suitable for a place like the Maldives... but I won't be going there this year. :-) But I will one day and this suit is damn well going to fit!

Busy December Days

Well, it's December and that means that there is A LOT going on this month! I have so much to write about and so little time to do it. Either, my blog entries are going to get long and detailed... or they will become few and far between. Since I hate stress - and writing is a form of escapism for me - I predict the former rather than the latter... but we'll just have to see. Stress is starting to creep up on me. Tomorrow it's Brian's birthday - he'll be 33! I already gave him his gift which was a PADI Open Water Dive course - so we can go diving together. There's a course on at the church tomorrow night that I didn't really want to miss - all about Methamphetamine and your teenager. I wonder if he'll think that's a nice thing to do together?

Yesterday we had a wander around to find a good spot to have the wedding ceremony. The main beaches are going to be packed at that time of the year and there happens to be a volleyball tournament on that day. There's a spot down the beach a way - in a nice grassy picnic area that overlooks the sea and has a gorgeous view of the Mount. It's sheltered and private (for a public beach) and it's a popular place for weddings. It's at the end of Hart St. so it's called the Hart Street Platform. There's a deck on the grass and a boardwalk down to it (which will be very practical for expensive wedding shoes). I just have to make sure that it's available that day. Our Vicar Marie Gilpin has also generously offered her garden if we'd like to get married there. However, it doesn't have a view of the ocean and I feel that the ocean is an important element for this wedding - because I had to cross it to get here and to find Brian and the girls - and also because my family and friends are across the ocean and it almost seems like they're not so far away looking out over it.

Oh goodness, I hope everything runs smoothly. I just have the last minute things to get ready now but there's Christmas and Natalya's birthday on the 19th... it's all starting to pile up at once. I don't even have the desire to decorate for Christmas!!! That's NOT like me! There's too much to do - and I'd rather just write about it with a cuppa tea and some Decadent cookies by my side (I've just eaten a row).

A White Christmas in Summer?

If this weather keeps up we are going to have a white Christmas. It's supposed to be summer. The weather this month has been really strange. When you wake up in the morning, the sun is shining and it looks like it's going to be a gorgeous day. By 9:30 it's clouding over and you start to wonder whether you should hang the washing out. By 11:00 it's cold and you have to change into warmer clothes. The rest of the afternoon is a total crap shoot - it could rain, it could pass, you might want to go for a swim (unlikely). Today was one of those days. I went for a walk around the Mount at 1:30 - I thought it might rain but a quarter way around the Mount, it was hot and sunny and I realized I was wearing the wrong clothes. By the time I got home I was drenched in sweat. At 4:30pm it started to rain... which then got heavier and heavier... and turned to hail! Big hail. Hurt your head kinda hail. It was fascinating. The ground was covered and the sound on the tin roof was deafening!

You know, it was actually lovely to see some white. I miss the snow believe it or not. Christmas is in 25 days and it is very difficult getting into the Christmas mood when summer is approaching. I was sewing (making some Christmas prezzies) when the hail started and for a moment - it felt like Christmas.

This was the first time the kids saw a hail storm and they were so hyper! I really want them to experience a white Christmas one day - soon... while they still believe in the magic of Father Christmas. Just look at them!