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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Full Circle with the Super Moon

I've just had a powerfully spiritual and creative weekend to celebrate the Winter Solstice and the Super Moon.


For those of you who aren't aware, the name "solstice" literally means 'sun stands still' and marks the longest night and shortest day of the year.   This is a sacred time of reflection and celebration. It’s a time to turn inward and reassess our connection to our spiritual side and life purpose. We are also encouraged to reflect on the shadow side of our personality so it can be acknowledged, transformed and healed. Symbolically, it’s a time for letting go of the old to allow the new to emerge and to set goals for the coming year. This is the perfect time to nurture and balance the spiritual, physical and emotional aspects of ourselves so we can be symbolically reborn and transformed from inner darkness into light.

I attended a workshop called Eat, Move, Make which was organized by my dear friend Emily Mowbray from Wild and Grace.  She pulled together a few of her favourite things - food, yoga, writing and pottery and hosted a creative workshop.

I wasn't sure what to expect and I wasn't even sure I was up to it.  Socializing has been a struggle for me as I've become quite introverted.  I was anxious at the idea of spending a whole day with a group of people I didn't know.  A lone hike seemed like a better (and less fearful) idea.  I'm so glad I got out of my comfort zone and allowed myself to be publicly vulnerable.

The day started with a group circle, introducing ourselves and using a word that describes what our passion is.   I started.  My word was "Connecting" - with others and myself... mostly with myself these days.

As we went around the circle,  our words all intermingled and "connecting" was a common thread.  For some, their passion was connecting with their families and children, for others it had to do with creative arts.  Thirteen women in total, all wanting to connect.

We were then asked to find our place on a yoga mat where we were taken through a traditonal yoga session with  the beautiful Kristen Borchardt.  Kristen guided us through the asana postures slowly, allowing us to connect to our breath and the chakra energies that we were awakening.  It was a powerful session, releasing deep emotional tension.  Kristen had a way of knowing how to draw out the ghosts hidden deep in our soul.   I felt tears trickle down my cheeks, I didn't even know I was crying.  I just allowed them to flow, cleansing and detoxifying as my mouth curled into a satisfying smile.

We enjoyed a cup of tea and piece of cake before our writing workshop which was facilitated by Miss Emily herself.  She ran us through a series of fast thinking writing activities.  Our first assignment, to write a Haiku.  The last time I wrote a Haiku was 23 years ago - in 10th grade English.  As our creative writing flowed, Emily asked us to write a Gratitude List, something about who we admire, what we would do if we knew we couldn't fail (she got the inspiration for that off the back of my toilet door where I have a poster that asks that very question), and a story about gardens.

I'll share one of my assignments.  I wrote a poem about Gardens (which we had two minutes to write).  My inspiration came from the myriad of gardens I've walked through on my travels.   I love gardens.
As I wander through the foreign foliage
I imagine I am someone else
From a time and place when fairies frolicked
Amongst the dahlias

I am a Royal Queen
Ruler of many, but alone in this place
Imagining I am a commoner
Pretending the flowers are people
Where I am invisible and happy

And then I realize,
How lucky I am
To be both
Queen of my world
Loved by so many


Emily invited us to take a seat in the streaming sunlight at a beautifully set table with fresh flowers and grandma's china.  It felt like Thanksgiving - and gave us all a reason to be grateful.   Our  vegetarian lunch was lovingly catered by The Red Apron.   As if knowing it might be a challenge, topic cards were strategically placed at the table encouraging us to find someone with the same star sign or someone who can juggle.  It instantly lifted the energy in the space, combined with the beautiful organic food and the warm sunshine.  We ate and refueled our ghost-less souls.

Our final activity of the day was a pottery class with the talented Heidi Borchardt who owns an art studio in the Mount.  We were working with clay - and I'm not especially artsy or creative and with limited time I wondered how on earth I'd create anything at all.   I wanted to make an urn.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and all that.  I thought a clay urn would be really cool.  As I began to mold the clay, I realized that an urn was too ambitious for my first go with pottery.  I wound up playing it safe and made a bowl - for my cat Karma.

As we were wrapping up I realized just how much I needed a day like this.  Surprisingly, the pottery class was my favourite part of the day as it was something I wouldn't think of doing.  It was meditative and it got me out of my head - which is a place I spend most of my time, being a writer and all.  It reminded me that I used to be creative.  I loved crafts and creating things.  That stopped when I moved to New Zealand for some reason.   So did my skill at connecting with others.

My old friends would describe me as outgoing and friendly.  My new friends would describe me as quiet and enigmatic.    I've changed.  I've gone from being "out there" to being "in there".    A beautiful cycle.  A balanced life.  It all came crystal clear to me in the yoga session.  I've come full circle.  I went from being a shy, quiet little girl who blossomed into a confident, bright young lady.  Do you know what changed me?  Cancer.  Having cancer gave my life purpose.   I grew up fast and I understood life in a very different way than most people.  I came to New Zealand when I was at my peak of confidence, public speaking and sharing my story.  I was a cancer celebrity.   I was fearless and believed the world was my oyster.  I was full of love and felt loved by the world.  But when I left Canada for New Zealand, I came to a different world where no one knew me.  No one wanted me to share my stories.  I was rejected by the organizations that embraced me.  I also didn't want to be defined by "cancer".  I needed to see what it felt like to live in a world where no one knew my story.  So instead of fighting to be seen, I decided to let that part of myself go.  Slowly my light began to fade as my purpose was lost.   I was invisible just like I was when I was a child, lost amongst the chaos.   I've always been afraid of the dark.   In recent months there has appeared well lit path laid out for me to follow.   As I follow this path, the light gets brighter and my fears are lifting.  My confidence is improving as I once again begin to share my story with people.  I realize just how much the world needs to hear stories of hope and miracles and inspiration... just as much as I need to spread them.


Full Moon Party
Full circle.  28 years.  That's how long it takes for Saturn to circle the earth.   Saturn's effect is to crystallize, to ground, and to solidify.  Saturn's movement by transit acts to aid us to learn to depend on ourselves in different areas of life.  At first, we generally encounter feelings of being thwarted or unsupported by the outside world in the particular areas of life that are ruled by the house. By the end of the house transit, we will have learned to look within ourselves for support.

In general, as Saturn passes through the fire houses (the first, fifth, and ninth), we deal with self-confidence issues and how these issues have affected our lives and our productivity. Through the earth houses (the second, sixth, and tenth), we confront issues of self-worth and effectiveness. Through the air houses (the third, seventh, and eleventh), we evaluate our relationships with others and how much (or how little) we can depend on these, as well as our mental outlook. Through the water houses (the fourth, eighth, and twelfth), we re-evaluate our inner stores of faith, our connection with the past, and our psychological workings.

This is a time for building a solid foundation.   

How does one deal with Saturn Transits?  Understand that moderation at this point in your life is necessary for spiritual growth and your physical body as well. Avoid blaming others for where you are at now for extended periods of time (some self-pity, however, may be necessary in order to gather strength and the ability to depend on yourself, however)—doing this will only lead to feelings of melancholy and anger. Know that this period in your life, while temporary, is a time for learning about your personal limits as well as your inner strength.

So what better way to complete the day than at a full moon party, where the moon is at its closest to the earth all year, making it appear much larger and brighter than usual.    The Arty House  - with drums, fire and mulled wine.  The place made me think of my own parents who would have created a place like this if they had stayed together.  I thought of my mom and how vibrant she was and felt a pang of sadness that she lost her "connection".  Cancer changed her too, but in the opposite way it changed me.

Once again stepping out of my comfort zone, I picked up a huge drum and found my rhythm as I joined in with people who had clearly done this sort of thing before.  I closed my eyes and felt the love and the warmth of the people whom I'd never met.  We all seemed to come from somewhere else and there were a lot of solo stragglers, drawn to this special place for reasons we didn't discuss.  There was a knowing and a need to be together and not alone this night.   
  
With the full moon in Capricorn and the sun in Cancer, this is an emotional time of deep dreaming and strong feeling.  We are challenged to manifest our emotional and intuitive sides into physical reality in a positive way. 

Happy Winter Solstice Everyone.






Friday, June 14, 2013

Items I Need to Climb Kilimanjaro

I can't believe it's almost 3 months until I head to Africa.  I am going to have to think about booking my flights in the next week or so.  

It's not too late to donate air points to help get me there.  That's a great way to support me without giving money. 

The only airlines that fly direct to JRO (Kilimanjaro) are KLM, Quatar, Ethiopian & Turkish.  I don't think ANY of those airlines fly from New Zealand.

So I'll probably have to use Emirates via Dubai and fly into DAR or NBO and catch a bus to Moshi.


Other ways you can help would be to donate items that I still need.  Here's a list of the bigger essentials I don't have yet:
  • Wet Weather Pants - Arc t'ryx would be my #1 choice.  They need to be very durable.
  • Gators
  • Merino Underclothing - I've been trying to contact Icebreaker but haven't had any luck.
  • Trekking Poles - the lightweight ones that break down (there are some at Bivouac that I like for about $150)
  • Solar Charger (for camera, mobile phone, iPod)
  • iPod (can you believe I don't have one!  I use my phone.  I'd be happy to just borrow one)
  • Camelbak Water purifier bottle (which uses flourescent light to kill bacteria approx. $200)
  • Super strong camera (that can withstand extreme temperatures approx $200)
  • Video Camera (same idea, needs to be durable and withstand -20 degree temps approx $500)
  • Extra SD cards for media
  • Silk sleeping bag liner
  • Sleeping mat (inflatable from Mac Pac - approx. $140)
  • Day Pack (Mac Pac $100)
  • Glacier Glasses (approx $100)
  • Headlamp with different coloured bulbs for night vision
  • Heart rate monitor
  • Personal oxygen

Many of these items could be borrowed.  If you can help me out, please get in touch by leaving a message on the blog or you can leave a message for me on my facebook page

Still not sure what to do?  How about choosing an item (be sure to let me know what you're choosing so I can take it off the list) and then fundraise for it.  This could be a great way to teach your kids about charity.  They might really get into it.  You just need to be the facilitator.

For my Canadian friends, things are SO much more expensive to buy in New Zealand.  I am not sure what prices are in Canada but from memory, they are about half the cost there.  So if you'd be willing to do some shopping around for me I'd be VERY appreciative!  

That would really be a huge help.



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Letter to the Man Who Fought to Save My Life

Today my friend Sarada (her little boy Luke and her family are on their journey through cancer as we speak) posted a TEDxWaterloo video on her facebook page of my childhood oncologist speaking about the difference between "Curing and Healing".  It brought back so many memories and emotions as I watched this man - who fought so hard to save my life - speak about things that touched a very deep and painful place inside of my heart.


I decided to write to him.  I'm not even sure his email address is the same so I thought I'd share my letter - like a letter in a bottle thrown out into cyberspace.

Dear Dr. Greenberg,
I hope this email finds you well.  I wanted to write to you to say thank you.
Camp Ooch July 2002
The last time I saw you 10 years ago I was afraid.  I had just been diagnosed with malignant hypertension (do you remember?) and I was so scared that I was going to die young of a heart attack.  That summer at Camp Ooch, you said something to me that resonated so deeply.  You told me to live my life to the fullest because you never know when it could end.  You spoke from years of painful experience.  I know you were concerned about my health and the damage on my organs after the aggressive chemotherapy I underwent in 1985.  But since I was a pioneer of these trials, the evidence wasn't certain and I sensed you were holding back.
Every year has been a blessing and a gift.
Looking on with pride.  One of my fav shots.
Giving massages at camp.
The following year, I moved to New Zealand in search of something I didn't know at the time - I came here to discover the core of my own personal strength and determination.  I took life for granted, restlessly searching for happiness.  I was an unhappy person surrounded by a family who, as you so eloquently put it in your recent TEDx talk - were not healed.  None of us were.

Your TEDx talk was brilliant.  I was moved to tears.  It reminded me of the day we talked about my mom and her struggle with alcoholism.  You asked me, "And how is your mother?"  I sensed that you worried about her and it was time to ask, I needed to know.  "Dr. Greenberg, did you know that my mom was drinking heavily while I was sick?"  You dropped your gaze from my eyes and said, "Yes, we suspected she was." 
I was a bit shocked.  I asked, "Why didn't anyone DO anything?"  You explained, "Times were different then.  There wasn't the support like there is today.  She was all you had and she was in grief."  I didn't know what else to say.  That conversation plays over and over in my head.
If only you knew how much I wished someone else would adopt me.  I didn't understand what she was going through because I didn't realize the magnitude of my illness.  No one told me.  I can see it a lot more clearly now, a maturity of compassion and understanding. 

I needed to separate myself from my unhealed family to realize it.  To find my own path instead of living my life trying to live up to impossible expectations and what I felt was "judgment".  I reminded them of tough times.  My life was a constant reminder of "cancer".  The more I spoke about it, the more they shut down and pushed me away.  I didn't understand why, but now I finally do.

It wasn't easy.  Moving to New Zealand nearly broke me.  But as we both know, life isn't meant to be easy - it's meant to be lived.

In 2007, 20 years after my first diagnoses with ovarian cancer, I got another ovarian tumour.  I was scared again.  This time I was alone.  I didn't have my team of doctors or my close friends around for support.  I was in a foreign country with different ideas of medicine.  I contacted Dr. Laperrierre at Princess Margaret Hospital to ask his advice.  He advised me to have the radical hysterectomy but to avoid HRT due to my family medical history.  I think I contacted you as well to let you know what was happening.

My surgeon and GP in New Zealand told me that they would not go ahead with surgery unless I promised to take HRT.  More fear.  I was taking a cocktail of prescription medication: beta blocker, calcium channel blocker, ace inhibitor, water pill AND aspirin to try to control my blood pressure - which wasn't helping.  I was getting sicker, gaining weight (which they said was a normal part of "aging") and had no energy.   Then they added synthetic HRT which I knew my body didn't like.  I gained another 5kg. 

Two years later I had an epiphany.  I was being ruled by fear and I needed to get strong enough to take charge of my body (just like I did when I was a determined 11 year old).  I KNEW what was missing - trust and love - in myself and in others.

My sister had tested positive for the BRCA gene so I went to speak to my doctor about my concerns with HRT.  I haven't been tested for the gene and didn't know if I wanted to know.  The doctor said I should be tested immediately.  I said, "And what if it comes back positive?"  She said that the responsible thing would be to have my breasts prophylactically removed.  I burst into tears.  I just had a radical hysterectomy at the age of 32 and now she wants to take my breasts?  I walked out of there and never went back.

You may not agree with my decision but I stopped ALL the medications COLD TURKEY.   I found a Homeopathic GP who guided me through (she did not advise me to stop it all at once, that was my decision) and reassured me that I would NOT die. 

That was 5 years ago.  I began practicing yoga daily and got a personal trainer to help me lose the 10kg I gained.  Slowly, my body began to regulate itself.  The fear began to dissipate and I felt better than I had in years.  The damage to my organs has been done but that doesn't mean I have to spend my life taking pills does it?  I'd choose quality over quantity any day.

Last November I thought I should see if anyone in Canada is looking for me.  As you recall, I was being followed up yearly at Princess Margaret as part of the Clinical trial in 1985 to track the long term effects the chemo would have on my body.  It's been 9 years since I've seen a specialist. 

I contacted Ovarian Cancer Canada and they were so happy to hear from me all the way from New Zealand.  They told me that they were going to be taking a group of ovarian cancer survivors and supporters to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in September 2013 and told me that they'd love it if I could join them.  I said YES without hesitation.  This is right up my alley. 

So I've been training and preparing for second hardest climb of my life to summit the highest free standing mountain in the world.  We both know I can do it.  I'd love it if you were part of my cheering section. 

I wanted to share this with you because I know it will make you proud. 

This is the video to explain what I'm doing.  YouTube Video click here


This is the ending to a very long chapter in my life and I also feel that it is the beginning to another, very different chapter.  I bring a message of hope to those who have been told there is none.  That's my life's mission.  So please feel free to follow me on this journey.  I'm on facebook under Tracy Pepper's Expedition of Hope.  I'd love to know you were watching.

Thank you for the impact you've made on my life and my heart.  I know that doctors are not meant to form personal relationships with their patients - it breaks the code of ethics.  But as you said in your TEDx talk, we are losing "connection" in medicine today.  The most important thing is LOVE.  Without it, we have nothing.

This is the link to my story.  You might find it interesting.  Tracy's full story click here

I am in a good place.  I have a wonderful life.  Your care cured me 29 years ago and I want you to know that  healing does happen, sometimes it takes a lot longer than we wish it would. 
You'll be happy to know that everything I do involves connecting - with myself and with others and helping them do the same.  Watching you speak inspires me to continue doing my work and living life to the fullest.
Sincerely and with Great Love,
Tracy xo
P.S.  I'm proud of you for speaking the truth and for sharing it with the world.  Happy Father's Day.

"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves"         
William Arthur Ward
Me and Dr. G in 2002 at Camp Ooch

The Dalai Lama was visiting New Zealand this week.  I'm disappointed I didn't get the chance to hear him speak.  He wrote this on his facebook page tonight:

When young we have a vivid sense of basic values like trust and warm-heartedness, which we tend to neglect in today’s competitive world as we grow up, yet from birth we all have a need for affection. The emotions we experience today have not changed much over the last few thousand years, but the interest increasing numbers of people are showing in their inner world and how their emotions work is a sign of maturity.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Great Gatsby for a Great Cause

Last night I held a fundraiser at Tauranga Rialto Cinema with a special screening of The Great Gatsby.  My friend Devan helped organize the event - a big shout out for his help because I wouldn't have been able to do it all on my own.

As I mentioned in a previous post, fundraising is challenging.  It's one thing to organize a party but it's quite another to ask people to reach into their pockets and give money to someone else's cause.

I'm constantly reminded of how fortunate I am to have connections to some very big hearted, generous people in this community (and around the world).  We filled TWO cinemas selling 140 tickets.  People were turning up on the night hoping to get a seat.  It was a packed out party!

We invited the guests to get out their furs and feathers to be in to win a bottle of wine from Steve Bird Wines who generously donated 6 bottles for the occasion to use as prizes.











I was very impressed with the effort people went through.  Obviously, people just love an excuse to dress up!

Will setting up the polo match
People seemed to be having a great time.  Will and Bridget from Classic Hits FM came out to support me.  They've been absolutely brilliant at promoting my cause on the radio.  They introduced me to the crowd before the movie and Will even held a polo match for prizes!

Bridget was so inspired that she tried to get time off work to come to Africa with me!  Sadly it wasn't possible.  :(

We held a raffle for a Well-Being basket full of goodies.  Trilogy Natural Skin Care generously donated $200 worth of products, my company Magic Hands donated $160 worth of services, Flicker Candle Emporium donated $50 worth of products, She'll Be Write donated a Marie Claire cookbook, Relax Kids with Linda donated a relaxation CD for children valued at $30 and I personally donated a bottle of Brut Reserve Special Edition sparkling wine valued at $25.

The lovely Charlie selling raffle tickets
The winner of the raffle was Richard Brawn.  But watch the video and see how I magically pick another name first with my super powers.


I've known Richard for a number of years.  He comes in for massages at Magic Hands and he often brings me wood from the farm for my fire.  In fact, I've got to get more wood from him this weekend so I'll drop the basket off then. 

It was a fabulously successful night.  Tickets sales brought me $1991.00 closer to my goal.  That's pretty awesome considering I planned this event less than two months ago.

I've raised almost $2,000 on my Give-a-Little page.

And last week I was chosen as a finalist for the Wild Sister of the Year 2013 Award.  If I win, I'll be $1,000 closer to my goal.  That would take me to the half way mark.

I require approximately $15,000NZD to cover my costs for the climb, flights, donation to Ovarian Cancer, and personal gear for the expedition.

A local documentary film director has volunteered time to help spread my story.  We need funding to produce a full length documentary.

And I still have a few big items to be auctioned off.  If I can sell these at their value, I will have the full amount.

There's so much to do!  I'd better get cracking.

Less than 4 months to go!  Kilimanjaro here I come!